


We Don't Need Wings To Fly

by angelindisguise



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-03
Updated: 2012-12-03
Packaged: 2017-11-20 05:35:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/581851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelindisguise/pseuds/angelindisguise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall has cancer and Zayn is that kid that has nothing better to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Don't Need Wings To Fly

**Author's Note:**

> So just to be fair, someone will die in this fic so if you don't like sad stories don't read it eeeek

_**27/08/12 6:12 am** _   
_**My doctor told me that I should write a journal while I’m in hospital, lying in this bed trapped with little to none of ever recovering from this stupid disease. He said to write whatever is on your mind and I was like well the only thing on my mind right now is that I really don’t want to live anymore.** _

_**I have cancer.** _

_**Fuck.** _

 

Niall closes the newly acquired journal that his mother bought him, the musky scent of fresh crisp paper wafting in the air a little and it makes his nose crinkle a bit. The way it smells all brand new, yet to be tarnished and worn out by use and he wishes he could have a new brain, one free of cancer cells. He wishes he can have hair, his natural mousy brown or his latest obsession of dying it blonde but either way it made him feel good and he misses that, looking at himself in the mirror and not having to cringe away from the monstrosity that looked back and so whenever he went to the bathroom and instinctually stare at the mirror he wouldn’t be able to because he covered it up with sheets of paper in order to keep him sane.

 

He feels the depression settling in, taking its usual position nuzzling itself comfortably inside his heart and the voices in his head gets stronger and stronger telling him to give up, just let go and he’s thought about it so much just to deny the treatment and wait for the disease to take him but he looks to his left and he sees his mum, sleeping not so peacefully, a frown present in her features and large bags under her eyes and Niall knows that she’s probably having a dream about him mostly likely passing away and he’s heard her talk about her dreams to the nurse while he pretended to sleep and more often than not she always cries and he hates seeing that the most and for now that is what is keeping him alive, not the chemo but his will to live, to live for his mum because that is the least he owes her, for everything she has had to sacrifice but somehow he feels it won’t last very long because every day it gets harder and harder, like its eating away at him and his resolve will crumble leaving his friends and family heart broken.

 

He pulls up a bucket from beside his bed and lets out his innards and he’s not at all fazed by the vomiting only one of the many side effects of his treatment. He opens up his notebook and jots down some of the cons.

 

_**Cons:** _

__**vomiting**  
hospital food  
headaches  
no sleep

_**Pros:** _

_**~~none~~** _   
_**~~the pills~~** _   
_**none** _

 

He turns on the tv turning the volume down and his mum stirs a little bit but doesn’t wake and he thinks it might be a good day today.

 

*

 

7:01 pm

Today was one of the worst days I’ve ever had. Chemo affected more than usual and I was just vomiting everywhere. Sleep is hard and comes by rarely. Usually I get woken up by a throbbing headache. Everything is getting worse and reasons for still fighting are starting to slip through my fingers.

My mum cried again today.

I miss my friends.

Niall thinks back to the beginning when he was first admitted to the hospital, a little less than a month ago. They caught the cancer a little bit late but it was still worth a try because he didn’t want to leave the world behind just yet. He had his mum and his friends that he had to come back to.

 

When he first hopped onto the bed, it was quite unfamiliar, the stiff mattress a little bit uncomfortable and the room made him feel slightly claustrophobic with the bare white walls and multiple wires and such around him. But this was his temporary home for now and there was nothing he could do about it, the cancer made sure of that.

 

It wasn’t hard as such at first, the vomiting caught him by surprise – even though the doctor had said that it would be a side effect from the chemo – he just didn’t think it was exactly how the doctor described it, fast and impulsive, having little time to react and vomit somewhere other than on the bed in front of him. Then the headaches came and it was like a constant hammer knocking on the inside of his head, having little to no sleep for the first couple of weeks. But what really got to him was when his hair had started to catch onto his fingers while he was mindlessly running his hand through it and he let out a choked scream because as each strand fell, he felt little parts of him leaving and he has never hated anything more in the world.

 

And it was then that the depression crept in, its long tendrils of despair latching itself onto the strands of hope and slowly crushing it leaving him empty and shallow. His friends had noticed it and they stopped coming one by one as hard as it was for them. He didn’t talk when they visited and when he did it was about death and dying and it made them all uncomfortable, stunted not knowing what to say and what can you really say to someone telling you ‘I want to give up’ ‘death is just round the corner for me.’

 

It wasn’t until his best friend snapped, the only one who really gave two shits about him and still kept on coming even though Niall was at rock bottom.  
“Stop saying that..” Liam said with gritted teeth.  
Niall’s head shot up, tearing his eyes away from his twiddling thumbs. “Huh.”  
“Stop being such a depressing cunt. I’m honestly sick of it. And so is everyone else. Haven’t you noticed people have stopped coming to see you? Don’t you think you’re hurting them by saying you’re going to die? Stop being so selfish! Have a little faith for once!” Liam said, his voice rising in conviction with every word. And Niall has never seen him so angry, so red, his brown eyes filled with hurt and rage.  
“Well you know what Liam? I don’t give a flying fuck and you can join my so called friends and leave. Go on fuck off.” He had such an air of confidence flowing through him as he said it and he watched as Liam left, regretting each word he said with every heavy footfall of Liam’s feet. He wanted to speak out but it caught on his throat and he thinks now that that night was the very first time he had ever cried since he arrived at the hospital, it wasn’t the pain or the vomiting it was because of his best friend and he had thought about Liam’s words every single night.

 

**_I miss Liam._ **

 

He writes the last line and then attempts to go to sleep, mentally preparing himself for tomorrow because that’s how far into the future he can look, he could be well dead in a couple of seconds.

 

\---

 

“Zayn.  
Has anyone seen Mr Malik?”

 

The rest of the kids in the classroom share a not-so-surprised look and they know when Zayn skips class the closest he would get to a telling off would be like acne on his flawless tan skin. Non-existent. The teacher marks an ‘E’ besides his name meaning explained and he doesn’t think twice about it.

 

Zayn sits atop a tree in a park somewhere other than school and he’s a little bit bored but he thinks that he would be more bored trapped inside a classroom listening to the teacher drone about something that he already knows or overhearing the loud obnoxious girls gossiping about who hooked up with who at whoever’s party and he wonders what his purpose in life is.

 

It’s his last year of high school and he is lost. Simple as that. He doesn’t know what to do nor where to go and he asked his parents one night, catching them at a rare occasion when they weren’t both busy with work and they had somehow turned the question around and he thinks that they weren’t very helpful at all bringing him back to square one.

 

The wind blows a soft breeze and a flyer comes flying past and sticks onto his t-shirt – the one his mum got him that had too many zeros attached to end of it – and he almost crumples it up and throws it away but something catches his eye and he’s reading the advertisement quite enthusiastically.

 

Zayn hops off the tree, grabs his bag that was resting at the base and gets into his Porsche – an early graduation present from his parents – and thinks this might be a better way to spend his day.

 

*

 

“Can I do something for you?”

And Zayn flashes the flyer at the nice lady behind the reception and she raises an eyebrow surprised that there was a young boy, no older than 18 and must be skipping class but she doesn’t voice her thoughts out loud because Zayn gives her one of his classic charming smile, cocking his head a tad to the side, his pearly whites on full display and she gladly points him in the right direction.

 

Once he comes to the other reception desk he finds a young man by the name of Louis who asks him a few questions, his name, his age, bits about his background and then next thing you know he’s slapping a name tag on Zayn’s chest and slipping a children’s book in his hand and shoving him towards a group of cancer kids ranging for 5 to 12, some in bed, some sitting on the floor, some on wheelchairs with tubes and what not attached to their noses and Louis must’ve felt Zayn’s distress and quickly mutters a few calming words and claps him on the back a big cheeky grin on his face before he went back to manning the desk.

 

He thinks it might be a little too late to back out of this, having the name tag and all but he can’t help but feel a little apprehensive or regretful but he crushes that feeling and puts a smile on his face because hey, these kids fight for their lives every single day, enduring pain and suffering while he has it easy so it was the least he could do.

 

*

 

There is something about Zayn that makes it so easy to be sucked in by the sound of his voice. The way he pronounces each word, so much imagination and thought and soul like it was breathing the life back into the kids. And they stared into the endless golden brown pools that were his eyes, mesmerized by how they portrayed the emotion of what he was reading like every word he spoke they believed in. Even Louis craned his neck just to get small glimpses of the boy that captured the whole entire room and he had never seen the kids look so happy and colourful.

 

And at the end of the session, Zayn chatted with them learning each of their names and the promise of coming back and reading to them again.

 

“You’re quite the hit.” Louis says as Zayn hands the classic tale of Jack and the Beanstalk back.  
“Hardly,” and there were traces of a smile on his face and small victory in his heart.  
“So.. I’ll see you back here?”  
“Sure. I did promise.” And he walks away with a lighter chest.

 

\---

 

**_04/09/12 2:43 am  
They said I was getting better. They said the treatment is working. They said.. But I don’t feel any better! I don’t look any better! I even feel worse and they are all full of shit and have to say that.. I swear if nothing good happens soon I don’t think I can last any longer. My mum is suffering because of me. I might as well put her out of her misery. Next wee – _ **

 

“Can’t sleep?”  
“Can you tell?” Niall replies sarcastically and it comes out a little harsher than intended but Louis just shrugs it off and continues to walk inside his room and shuts the door quietly behind him. “Got the bum shift I see.”  
“Eh it’s not so bad. I get to hang out with my favourite leprechaun.” Louis pulls up a chair and rests his head at an empty space beside Niall.  
“What an honour!” Niall says in mock delight, swatting Louis’s arm jolting him a bit from where he lay, earning a little groan from the male nurse.

 

Niall reaches out and before he knows what he’s doing he starts playing with Louis’ feathery hair and he remembers when Louis first appeared in his door looking a little out of place with his wide grin and the scrubs not quite fitting with his skin but out of all the staff he found Louis to be the most relatable and it kept Niall sane. Louis is a happy go lucky person who could talk his mouth off about anything much like Niall himself and at the beginning he found Louis to be his go to guy and he could tell him things, things that he found uncomfortable telling his mum or the doctors.

 

Louis peeked into his room one night on his first week and it happened to be that Niall was awake – just like tonight – they stayed up all hours just talking and talking and it took the edge of the treatment and he forgot about the pain, the headaches, the vomiting and the pained look that his mum wore on her face because of Louis and his smile and easiness and his aura putting Niall at ease.

 

He twirls strands of Louis’ brunette hair on his fingers and thinks that he’ll miss Louis, like the older brother he never really had and it makes refusing the treatment that much harder but ultimately he’s tired. Tired of fighting and struggling for every breath. Tired of the word ‘fine’ that everyone seems to use to describe his predicament. He’s tired, so he shuts his eyes and tries to sleep, finding Louis’ hand and clutching it tightly.

 

*

 

When Niall wakes up again, Louis is gone but he finds a note in his hand ‘Maybe you should go for a walk, but shower first :p’ and he is confused by the whole thing but his stomach grumbles a little and his legs do need a bit of exercise so he hops into the shower. He still isn’t used to how the water hits his bare scalp and it brings his mood down a nudge, so he takes a quick one and dresses back into a clean patient’s gown.

 

He knows the cancer wing like the back of his hand and to get to the cafeteria he has to pass by the cancer kids and back in the day he use to visit them and read to them but lately he has no motivation anymore so usually he turns a blind eye every time he walks by but something about today he feels like casually turning his head ever so slightly.

 

And he sees a boy, and he vaguely recognizes his face but its slipped from his memory as he takes in his smile and the way his thin moist lips move and Niall wants to get closer to hear the sound of his voice because he thinks it will sound just as good as he looks if he was being quite honest. The boy is clad in a fitted white v neck and a pair of brown chinos and he thinks that it’s simply divine.

 

“Pretty ain’t he?” And the sound of Louis’ voice catches him off guard, jumping a little as Louis snakes his arm around his shoulder.  
“What? I – I wasn’t even, I’m going to go – go do – yeah.” He says flustered and a clear flush on his cheeks as he scuttles quickly back to his room.

 

**_12:27 pm_ **

_**I’m hungry.** _

 

*

 

Zayn comes more often and sometimes he brings his own book, his personal favourites and the kids love it and they love him, a real star with the patients even capturing some of the hearts of the nurses and doctors alike. Zayn also notices someone, walking by pretending that he’s not peering into one of his reading sessions – yes he has a time slot now – and he hasn’t quite gotten a good look at him? Her? because he doesn’t want to scare them away but instead make them feel like they can join.

 

“Maybe you should just talk to him.” Louis says as Zayn hands the book and he finally has an answer for the gender question.  
“Maybe.” He says mysteriously. “Maybe I’ll take a stroll.” And Louis grins widely as Zayn walks the direction of the cafeteria.

 

He hears a small conversation playing out as he gets closer, well more of an argument.  
“C’mon Linda! I promise I’ll pay you tomorrow!”  
“Kiddo you know I can’t do that..”  
“But Linda!!” And Zayn notices it’s the boy that walks by and tries to be discrete but fails and he’s already handing the lady some money earning a surprised look from the boy in front of him and Zayn has never seen a shock of blue so piercing and words get caught in his throat and he’s never really had this problem before.

“Thanks. I’ll uh, pay you back.” Niall says and Zayn melts at the sound of his voice.  
“Don’t worry about it.” And he wants to say more, to ask questions, what his name is, how old he is, what his favourite colour is because he just makes him feel a little funny inside and he can’t explain the feeling very well but Niall is already walking away and Zayn chastises himself for letting the opportunity pass by.

 

*

 

Zayn doesn’t go to the hospital the following week, school commitments and such so when he does come back the kids all miss him and Louis too, who gave him a big hug and punching his arm saying things like ‘I thought you weren’t coming back! The children! Think about the children!’ and it made Zayn laugh along with the kids at Louis’ melodramatises.

 

When Zayn has gathered everyone up into a group huddle he talks in a hush whisper and by the smirk on his face he has a plan on his mind.

 

\---

 

If Niall was bored before he started walking around just to catch a glimpse of the Saint – yes he thought he was a saint but only because he reads to cancer kids and pays for people’s lunches nothing else – he’s a million times bored now and for the past week he’s been hoping that he was there, sitting looking immaculate without even trying but he wasn’t and he was slightly disappointed and every time he goes back to his bed without seeing the boy he is too tired so he sleeps to pass the time, tries to.

 

Today however Louis comes to his room and sternly tells him to get off his butt and maybe go for a walk and instantly Niall hopes maybe it’s a sign that the Saint is back. And he sits up too quickly, feeling all the blood rush to his head because he can’t help but feel excited and he doesn’t even know why, and it might have something to do with how his eyelashes curl up revealing his smouldering whiskey brown eyes or the way his jeans are a little tight around the crotch area – and Niall stops himself right there before he too gets a little tight down there.

 

And he’s walking down the hall, with a slight spring in his step and he’s rounding the corner but he sees no one in the room and little creases form on his forehead but he can’t help feel slightly curious so he steps inside the room and then there’s popping and hooting and cheering and he can feel someone wrap their arm around his waist and something put atop his head and Niall looks around and the kids have crowns on their heads and party poppers in their hands and they look happy and smiling and cheery and Niall feels absolutely sick to his stomach.

 

When he was a kid he was so fascinated with how the washing machine works and whenever his mum would do the laundry he would always follow her into the laundry room and he would stare through the glass, watching as the clothes were tossed and turned violently and he could see himself in the reflection of the mirror eyes big with wonder, the loud hum of the machine reverberating in his system. And he feels like a washing machine, his stomach shaking and quivering and he can feel the bile rising and thankfully he’s back in his room as he empties his stomach contents in the toilet.

 

“You alright buddy?” He hears someone say, Louis perhaps as he heaves more into the toilet. And Louis rubs circles on his back making him feel slightly better.  
“Is he ok?” Someone else says and he doesn’t recognize this voice but it’s like hot caramel, soothing and clear, every word with a purpose.  
“Yeah he’ll be fine Zayn.” Zayn, he mulls over his name in his head as he unleashes another load of spew, finally a name to the face.

 

Niall is back on his bed feeling a little bit better and he’s alone with Zayn conveniently enough and he wants to break the silence instead of just blatantly checking him out.  
“Sorry for the – you know surprising you. Didn’t think it would make you vomit..” Zayn says abashedly and a smile breaks on Niall’s face escalating to a chuckle because he’s ran out of things to say already and all he can do is laugh.  
“What’s funny?” and Zayn is chuckling too, Niall’s laugh being too infectious unable to contain himself either.

 

Once the laughs run out they just stare at each other, waiting for the other to speak and Zayn smiles and Niall grins and they feel like two friends that know each other already.  
“So what’s your deal?” Niall asks curiously.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Like how old are you? Don’t –“  
“18”  
“you have school?”  
“Yeah but it’s boring so I don’t go.”  
“Don’t you get in trouble?”  
“You sure like to ask questions.” Zayn says with a smirk, effectively shutting Niall up who is now sporting red cheeks. “Shall I read to you?”  
“You – you don’t have to.. What about the kids though?”  
“They won’t mind.” And Niall nods because he does want Zayn to read to him and he thinks it’s a little bit selfish but he’s allowed to have this one time right?

 

So Zayn reads and Niall listens and he finds himself being whisked away by the soft sounds of Zayn’s voice, his heart rising and falling to the rhythm of his tone and he suddenly feels tired like the lost sleep over the weeks is finally catching up and next thing he knows he’s dreaming of black hair and brown eyes and smooth tan skin along with a perfect smile and amidst all of the pain and suffering, not just of himself but everyone else, he feels slightly happier.

 

*

 

When Niall wakes again it’s early in the morning and he feels the all too familiar pain in his head but also spots a note on the bed.  
‘I’ll see you tomorrow Niall.  
p.s you snore loudly  
p.s.s Happy 18th Birthday’ he reads in probably one of the most beautiful handwriting he’s ever seen, the links and the loops of each letter to the next is just perfect, like typing it out on the computer. He whips out his notebook and pastes the note under a new day.

 

**_13/09/12 6:06 am_ **

**_I just realized it’s my birthday today and how did Zayn even know?_ **

**_Before this whole cancer thing happened I was looking forward to drinking legally but now everything is so different._ **

**_I don’t know I still feel shit but somehow a smidge better. Who knows what will happen now._ **

**_Small steps._ **

 

\---

 

“Cute sleeper isn’t he?”  
“Jesus! You just like to pop up don’t you Lou?” Zayn says trying to keep his voice down so he doesn’t wake Niall and Louis is right, Niall is a cute sleeper. His mouth slightly open and then closing and then opening like he’s eating something. And his skin is worn out, colour drained from his face and Zayn wonders how good Niall will look if he wasn’t sick.  
“It’s his birthday tomorrow.” Louis says.  
“Oh. Well I better get something for him then.”  
And as Zayn walks out the door Louis advices him to get Nandos, he says it’s Niall’s favourite.

 

*

 

Zayn wakes early, feeling antsy because he feels like he’s wasting time while there’s a person out there that he wants to know all about, and if Niall would let him, spend his birthday with Zayn. He dresses quickly into the clothes he laid out the previous night, feeling the need to dress to impress.

 

He walks through the corridors of the hospital and passes the desk where Louis should be perched but he’s not and Zayn finds it a little odd but he keeps walking towards Niall’s room, a quaint smile etched on his face.

 

He’s turning the corner and he can hear hushed voices and he notices that there are two people outside Niall’s door, a doctor and woman that looks to be Niall’s mother. Instinctually he halts and presses his back against the wall but it’s not like he wants to eavesdrop, it just so happens that they are chatting, out in the open loud enough for him to hear.

 

But Zayn’s face turns grim as he makes out the conversation and he can hear choked sobs coming from Niall’s mum because the doctor mentions words like ‘seizures’ and ‘the treatment is not working as they hoped’ and ‘Niall is in a state of depression’ and Zayn couldn’t bear to listen any longer and luckily neither could Niall’s mum as she re-enters the room, the doctor following suit.

 

He took a few seconds to compose himself before heading towards the door that clicks open and a doctor he recognizes coming out.  
“Oh, Zayn. Hi.”  
“Hello Dr Styles.”  
“Visiting are we?”  
“Yeah, it’s Niall’s birthday. How is he?”  
“He’s doing just fine” and Zayn watches as Dr Styles’ mouth twitches into a smile as he speaks the lie and he wonders how many lies there are behind those dimples. “Anyway, nice to see you, keep up the good work with the kids. Bye.”  
“Nice to see you too,” Zayn replies, adding on a fake smile for an extra touch.

 

Once inside the room Zayn is immediately greeted by Louis giving him a hug –touchy feely as ever, but he doesn’t mind it – and grabbing the paper bag of Nandos that is most like cold. He notices Niall is sleeping peacefully and then Louis is introducing him to Niall’s mum Maura. He gives Maura a kind hearted smile and it seems to reach her because he notices the frowns on her forehead relax and she lets out a breath that she didn’t know she was holding. She attempts to smile and it’s a little half-hearted and forced but knowing the pain she’s going through he doesn’t blame her one bit.

 

He wishes to give Maura a hug but Niall is calling out to him and he sounds a bit groggy, most probably loopy from the drugs or just tired in general.  
“I’m here. How are you doing?” Zayn says already by his side.  
“Tired, but I said to myself I wouldn’t sleep just in case I miss you when you come.” And if Zayn’s heart isn’t already broken from the pained and desperate face Niall pulled then it is completely shattered now because he looks so small and innocent and he thinks it shouldn’t be like this, that this shouldn’t happen to people like Niall.  
“It’s ok sleep.” Zayn says, “I’ll be here when you wake up.” He gives him a dazzling smile and Niall smiles back, reaching out for Zayn’s hand who is more than willing to give it.

 

\---

 

**_4 pm_ **

**_Today has been a rollercoaster.. They told me I had a seizure today but all I can remember is the slight taste of blood in my mouth and then my mind goes blank. It’s scary. I feel like the end is near for me. And I’ve said that a million times before but somehow I think it’s becoming more of a reality. Right now I don’t feel like I want to give up just yet because of a certain someone. He brought me nandos for my birthday. How perfect can he be? I’m afraid to admit it but I really like him and I don’t want to disappoint him because I look like this and he looks like a page from a magazine and of course I’m dying and in the off chance he likes me back I might die on him and I really don’t want to jinx it._ **

**_I really like him though._ **

**_I really like Zayn._ **

 

The door clicks open as he writes his final line and Zayn is back along with cake that looks really expensive and Niall has to close his mouth to stop himself from drooling.  
“That must’ve cost a fortune.”  
“Hardly.” Zayn says simply, a mischievous smile on his face. “Hold on I just gotta pee first.” Zayn quickly places the cake on the table beside Niall and he ducks off to the bathroom. Niall can see the extreme detail of the icing on the cake, the intricate swirls spelling out ‘Happy Birthday’ and he is incapable of resisting so he dips a finger in the icing and brings it to his mouth and there is just an explosion of sweetness enveloping his taste buds and he gets impatient, wanting Zayn to get back quickly so they can have the cake.

 

“How come your mirror is covered up?” Zayn asks once he comes out from the bathroom. Niall freezes for a second and images of his face, the baldness of it all attacks him and then it’s gone because Zayn is holding his hand and staring straight into Zayn’s eyes.  
“Don’t you dare say you’re ugly. Because you aren’t and you never ever will be. You are perfect to me.” And Zayn is caressing Niall’s cheek and Niall feels he would combust from where Zayn is touching him, leaving his skin tingling and he closes his eyes because he’s never ever felt this good about himself in a long time. Zayn presses a kiss on top of his head and his cheeks flush and his heart feels like it’s about to burst from his chest. In the midst of the little sensations he can feel he might have heard a click but he doesn’t open his eyes just yet because he doesn’t want this feeling to ever end but Zayn is saying something about cake and he thinks it’s the best day ever.

 

“Before you take a bite, I have something to say.” And Zayn looks visibly nervous, and Niall reckons that that shade of red suits him. “I – well I – yeah I kind of really like you.” And it really is the best day ever.

 

\---

 

It’s been a week now since Zayn’s latest confession and he’s almost always plastered by Niall’s side, the thought of his school or anything other than Niall is deep behind his brain and he doesn’t mind at all. Sometimes Zayn brings little gifts like the day after his birthday he brought a rectangular shaped present wrapped in expensive paper and Niall is excited just by the thought of a present and doesn’t take his time ripping it open revealing a four by six frame. The frame itself looked to be hand carved and very, very pricey but the picture is much more precious.

 

It was the two of them the day of Niall’s birthday, Zayn had his lips pressed against Niall’s head, his own eyes closed and one hand on Niall’s cheek and it was single most sweetest moment that is captured and it boggled Niall’s mind how and when Zayn took the picture and making it seem so flawless.

 

“You don’t like it?” Zayn asked apprehensively, wondering if the gesture was too grand and if it would just hurt Niall’s feelings because he’s insecure. “You’re crying.. Ah shit, I’ll take it back.” And Zayn reached for it but Niall tugged it closer to his chest and said “I’m crying because I love it. And it’s perfect and you. You’re perfect.” A victorious smile danced its way onto Zayn’s lips and he felt so good that he could do this for Niall.  
“Can I give you a present too?” Niall asked.  
“Of course.”  
“Come closer. No closer. “ And it wasn’t until Zayn’s face was within range for Niall’s hands to grab him and pull him in for a kiss. It caught Zayn by surprise but warmed up to it and then it was over and he wished for it to never be over because kissing Niall was something he could definitely get used to.  
“I like your present better.” Zayn said, grinning from ear to ear.

 

But everyday isn’t always happy because this is real life and reality isn’t like the movies, where miracles are given out every five seconds. Niall has his rough days when he’s too tired for anything because the chemo is rough and rigorous, draining him, his life, his soul, his will. And if it weren’t for Zayn being his rock and stronghold he would be on his way to giving up.

 

And it’s Zayn that gives him strength, that holds him when he can’t stand and it’s him that he’s fighting hard for and if he’s learned anything from this condition, it’s that he can’t take time for granted because one day you have millions of hours to live and the next you only have a few seconds and everyday he’s battling to rid the disease and he’s determined to come out on top because believe it or not Niall’s fallen for Zayn, despite the short amount of time they’ve known each other and maybe, just maybe he is his miracle.

 

“I haven’t seen any of Niall’s friends come by.” Zayn asks Louis one day, ducking out of Niall’s room for a little bit while he lets Niall sleep.  
“Mmm.. Yeah they used to come all the time, but then Niall turned sour and became a little depressed and they stopped coming one by one.”  
“Was one of them Liam?”  
Louis ponders for a bit, “yeah, Payne, Liam Payne.”  
“No shit? I know that guy.”  
“Yeah Niall said they’re best friends. Did he tell you about him?”  
“No.. He says his name sometimes in his sleep and I was just a little bit curious.”  
“More like jealous!” Louis taunts jokingly.  
“Yeah yeah, you got me.” And Zayn’s got his thinking face on.

 

\---

 

**_21/09/12 3:55 pm_ **

**_Louis said that Zayn slipped out quickly to run an errand or somewhat and I’m kinda lonely at the moment. The days have been getting better. Well I don’t know about physically because I still feel the same but mentally I’m doing great. Zayn and I shared our first kiss the other day and I don’t know what came over me but it was utterly amazing and we kiss all the time, except I brush my teeth sometimes so he won’t taste the vomit. I still have nightmares every now and then but Zayn makes me feel so alive. So I’m going to fight and someday hopefully it will be worth it._ **

**_No. I know it will._ **

 

As he sets down the notebook he notices Zayn’s phone lying around and he doesn’t want to look through it but he does anyway. First he goes through the messages, feeling a little bit guilty he scrolls through them and its odd that he doesn’t find anything remotely bad, just a few messages from his mum asking where he is and if he’ll be home for dinner and then there a select few names that wonder if he’s going to school, or informing him that there’s a test sometime next week and Niall is feeling really guilty snooping around. And he doesn’t know why he’s trying to find flaws about Zayn because in the end curiosity did kill the cat so maybe he shouldn’t be so curious. One final thing he does though before he sets the phone down was take a picture of himself – feeling quite brave ever since Zayn told him he was perfect – and sets it as Zayn’s wallpaper.

 

He thinks about his pros and cons list again.

_**Cons:** _

_**vomiting** _   
_**hospital food** _   
_**headaches** _   
_**no sleep** _

_**Pros:** _

_**~~none~~ ** _   
_**~~the pills~~** _   
_**~~none~~** _   
_**Zayn** _   
_**Nandos** _

 

“Hey trouble.” Zayn greets as he walks into the room, giving Niall a peck on the lips, a habit that seemed to happen effortlessly becoming second nature. “I have a surprise.”  
“Is it a car?” Niall teases.  
“Noope, better.” And Niall raises his eyebrow thinking what could be better than a car and Zayn is opening the door widely and behind it is Liam. The person he’s missed so dearly and he sees Liam take tentative steps towards Niall and he has this sheepish smile on his face and it only takes Niall a few seconds to hop off the bed and fling himself into Liam’s arms.  
“I’m sorry Li.”  
“No, I should apologize. I missed you.”  
“I missed you too.”

 

Zayn whispers into Niall’s ear telling him that he’ll leave them some time to catch up while he picks up some food for them to share together and Niall feels like he’s the luckiest person in the world to have Zayn.

 

“How are you doing?” Liam asks sitting beside Niall on his bed.  
“Great. Zayn has helped me so much.” Niall replies and he’s just got the happiest smile on his face.  
“Yeah he’s a great guy isn’t he. Super rich too.”  
“Really? I didn’t know that.”  
“Yeah his parents are like partners in a big as law firm.”  
“Oh wow, no wonder he can afford all this stuff.” Niall says pointing to the picture frame, and a Nintendo 3DS and other bits and bobs that Zayn has brought Niall so he wouldn’t get bored when Zayn wasn’t there.  
“Yeah we rode on his Porsche. It’s funny though, I don’t see him with very many people the times he’s at school.”  
“Wait, he goes to our school?”  
“Yup.”

 

Liam and Niall fall into conversation just like the good old days and it’s like Liam never left. Zayn comes back half an hour later with a bag of Nandos and Louis on his tail with his usual grin plastered on his face and that’s how they spent the afternoon, chatting, laughing, eating and Niall wishes it’s always like this except that he’s not in a hospital and then he has a sudden urge to see the beach and he can’t wait to leave this place and be done with all this cancer crap.

 

\---

 

It’s the day of Zayn’s exam and he has to actually go to school for a whole two hours, something he hasn’t done in the past couple weeks, being with Niall and the last week had been especially fun with Liam and occasionally Louis popping in and they would all join in some playful banter and he notices Niall’s face lights up just a fraction more than before and it makes his heart melt, the way his eyes sparkle and his cheeks bunch up revealing a glorious smile. He walks into the hall and sits on the desk, test papers laid out and he’s got the goofiest grin etched on his face and he wants time to fly by so he can go back to Niall because time is wasting unless he’s by Niall’s side.

 

Two gruesome hours pass – slowly that is – and he goes to grab his bag at the back of the hall, pulling out his phone and smiling because it was Niall that appeared on the screen, the one where he’s pulling a face and his nose is scrunched up and he’s angry smiling and it’s the cutest thing in the world to Zayn and he promises to keep it on there forever – unless of course Niall takes another.

 

But what he also notices were the missed calls, and his heart skips a beat and he’s hoping that it’s his parents that were calling him and not the hospital. He slides to unlock and his heart plummets because it was the hospital and it had about 9 missed calls. His thoughts are racing and he looks over to where Liam is standing, also gazing at his phone and they share the same puzzled and worried look and then they are both hurrying to Zayn’s car trying not to let their thoughts carry them away.

 

“I hope it’s not bad” Liam whisper as they’re speeding away.  
“It won’t be.” Zayn says and he doesn’t know if he was trying to convince Liam more than himself.

 

\---

 

Louis has worked in the hospital for a little more than a year now and he’s dealt with many patients who have had some form of cancer and so he’s seen his fair share of happy endings but also deaths and there were always tell-tale signs when the patient is in the no return zone. And Louis has noticed Niall showing these signs, especially in the last week or so.

 

Niall has a special place in Louis’ heart and ever since they first met and talked for hours that one night he’s already labelled Niall as one of his all-time favourite patients. So when he sees Niall struggle and hurt from the treatment his heart crumples and he wants to take his pain away and hug him and make him feel better but there’s only so much he can do. And he’s proud that he was the catalyst to bring Zayn and Niall together because it’s probably the best gift he could’ve given Niall.

 

So when he’s calling up Zayn on his cell phone thinking ‘what a rotten time to have a test’ and ‘pick up dammit’ tears start to prickle at the corner of his eyes and he tries to be strong because in about a few seconds he would need to accompany Dr Styles in the operating room to fix Niall and take away the pain and he needs Zayn to pick up because Niall needs him, Maura needs him, he needs him.  
“Louis.” Dr Styles says sternly.  
“Coming.” He puts down the phone and mutters a curse before following Dr Styles in the room. X

 

\---

 

“Maura!” Zayn says with unsteady breaths.  
“Zayn. It’s not good.” She says and she feels like crying again but she’s already shed so many tears.  
“Shit.” He breathes out and gathers Maura in his arms muttering soothing comments, and they stand there for a while because he can feel Maura tightening her grip like she would crumble into tiny pieces if he wasn’t holding her up.

 

“Ms Horan.” They both turn at the sound of the voice and it’s Dr Styles, looking a little worn out and they’re waiting for him to speak again but it seems that words are getting caught in his throat. “I’m sorry.” He utters and it’s amazing how two words can completely break you in half and half again and Maura feels light headed and she almost topples over by the gravity of the words but Zayn is there holding her up, trying to be composed and then there’s Liam in the background who might just break down and cry. “I tried everything I could but I’m afraid it only prolonged his life for only a few moments. He should be awake now, so if you’re ready you can follow me.”

 

And there was a tiny relief that passes through them because at least they would have this one last chance to see him and in a way it’s a miracle and they will take any miracles they can get.

 

They’ve seen Niall at his worst but seeing him now, so miniscule and his skin looks about the colour of death and they were not prepared to see this and then there’s Louis, who’s never sported a sad face from the very beginning looking utterly broken.

 

“Niall honey. I’m so sorry!” Maura says with broken breaths and fresh tears spilling from her eyes.  
“Don’t be. You are the best mum in the world. I love you so much.” Niall says so quietly, taking every ounce of energy to talk and he gives his mum a squeeze on the hand.

 

“Ni, Nialler, I – I – oh my god this can’t happen. You can’t!” Liam whispers in between sobs, rubbing his nose on his sleeves.  
“Li it’s ok.” And Niall gives him a half smile and it sends a new wave of sadness and Liam can’t help but cry out and bawl his eyes out a little harder because it’s not ok that his best friend is dying, it’s not.

 

Niall turns to Louis and says “Lou, thank you for everything. Big brother.” Louis has been holding on for too long and when Niall utters those words it shatters every piece of his heart and tears gush out of his eyes.

 

“Niall.” Niall turns his head at the sound of his name and Zayn is beside him too holding onto his other hand and even though Zayn looks heartbroken Niall thinks he’s as gorgeous as ever. “I love you.” And it was then that Niall starts crying and the pain is so visible on his face and his heart tremors then his whole body shakes and it’s completely turned his world upside down.  
“You – you can’t say that. You can’t make it harder for me to leave.” He manages to say.  
“I love you so much, you are perfect in every single way.” Zayn whispers.  
“I love you too. Always.” Niall says feeling more broken but also a sliver of happiness.  
“I wish I could save you.”  
“You’ve already saved me.”

 

He turns to look at everyone in the room with him, his mum, Liam, Louis and lastly Zayn and with his final breath he says “goodbye.”

 

**25/09/12 12:34 pm**

_**Zayn is having a test today so I won’t be seeing him till later on, I’m slightly worried how he will do since I actually never seen him study while he’s here and not in school but I’m appreciative nonetheless. Liam comes by lots now and it’s like he never left and I’m so happy. Louis is great as usual making me laugh and all, truly a big brother to me. My mum looks better too, I think it’s because I smile more and so that makes her happy. And then there’s Zayn who lights up my world and has banished the darkness in my heart and I’ll be forever grateful. He’s special and I don’t know I think I might love him. Actually I don’t think, I know.** _

_**I love Zayn Malik.** _

_**I love him. I love him. I love him. And one day I want to show this journal to him and tell him how he changed my world, how he gave me wings and how he saved my life.** _


End file.
